SELF HELP GROUPS
These groups are composed of people who share a same life experience.
There should be no hierarchy between its members. The co-ordination of the group should rotate between its members.
It is advisable that the one who has the role of Facilitator, doesn’t perpetuate himself or herself in that role.
There must be certain basic rules, that should be followed in order for the group to function.
There should also be a system of beliefs that is in harmony with the purpose of each group.
It must be free of charge, and can be sustained with a minimum donation, sufficient to pay for the expenses of photocopies, coffee, or other elements, necessary for the group.
The group should not belong to any religious, governmental, political belief, and no one should be barred for their beliefs on these matters.
Within these groups, the loss of sons or daughters, or other dear persons, present great differences with those groups that have in common an addiction, or a terminal illness. The difference is that those parents whose children have died, don’t have to overcome an addiction or to accept to learn to live with an illness, or to learn to have a better quality of life, or harmonize the relationship with the person that has a terminal illness.
To loose a son or a daughter, doesn’t mean that one has to overcome an illness. It is a Life Crisis. No one is the same after the loss of a son or a daughter. There is an epistemological rupture, where all our system of beliefs come into crisis and are modified.
Here is the opportunity, not willingly sought, to revise our objectives and spirituality, in order to: First incorporate the pain of having suffered so much, and then, transcend it, and reach out to help those that grieve.
In these groups, one can belong to different levels:
When a new member is incorporated. In these cases, the new member is usually a new mourner, and only needs to be heard and contained. To be able to speak freely, (catharsis is most important and beneficial, at this time). For this to happen, it is necessary the participation of other fathers, who have already done that part of the mourning process. In these cases, the body language is more important than spoken words, ej: A helping hand, an arm to rest on, a glass of water, etc.
Is basically testimonial. Parents feel the need to talk about their sons, how they were, show their pictures and their writings, narrate the circumstances to their death, express their personal emotions, their feelings of guilt, anger and frustration, many times projected on other persons. This process is basically characterized by self – involvement, egocentrism, where the importance of the situation is their personal pain. It is a process that is at first, necessary and productive, since one learns to speak a common language, participate between fellow parents and generates a feeling of belonging to a group one can trust and confide in.
In these groups, parents first gather outside their regular meeting place and slowly, they tentatively, smile, only permissible between grieving parents, with whom we may not feel judged. It is also in these meetings that we learn to recognize the pain of the other parent. This process can also finish when there are no more testimonies, and people leave the meetings, if, we don’t pass to Nº 3, level: Analyze and reflect on our existence.
The recognition of our own imperfection, of our good qualities, and of those qualities that need to be modified. We want to help others . This is the definite death of our egocentrism and the possibility to overcome the bonds that makes us captives of the past. We can continue to work on this level during a long time, since it entails the existential analysis that makes it possible to find ourselves, and a project that gives meaning to our existence, that transcends our pain and permits us to acquire spiritual growth.
It is necessary to point out some characteristics that differentiate between the “closed” group and the “open” group.
The closed group that maintains the same quantity of people with no new members and no desertions, are more dedicated, more profound, intimate, thoughtful, work more around an idea and generates better results and greater capacity of synthesis, they have greater sense of belonging.
The open group, can exist by being only testimonial. The interaction, the trust and sense of belonging is less strong. The growth of its members is more uneven and individual. Desertion is common and its causes usually are not important nor analyzed by the group.
Dr. Carlos J. Bianchi